Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
