I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need water and some morals
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
