i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
