I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
