I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
