i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
