i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
