Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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