woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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