I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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