wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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