Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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