we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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