I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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