I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just had sex on a roof
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
