Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
