get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
