my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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