i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
