he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
