Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
