I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
