Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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