Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
