:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
