I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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