I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
