Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
