why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
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Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
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She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode