it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.