I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
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I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.