he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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