He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
