trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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