I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
