Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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