and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
