First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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