Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
