everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
