This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Come on in and take your pants off
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