Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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