I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
