just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
