I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
