I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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