My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
