just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
