and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
