Where is the hickey?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
