Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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