I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
