I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
