Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
