Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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