I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
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I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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