He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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