He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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